- After returning from World War 2 unscrathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
- Only Chuck Norris shuts down websites without due process, not SOPA or PIPA.
- If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.
- As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
- When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
- Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
- According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
- He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
- Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
- Code runs faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
- Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
- Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
- Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
- Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
- Chuck Norris doesn't use reflection, reflection asks politely for his help.
- Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.