- Chuck Norris knows the value of NULL, and he can sort by it too.
- Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground
- Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
- The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
- The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
- For Chuck Norris, NP-Hard = O(1).
- Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
- Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
- They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
- Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
- Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
- July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? I think not.
- Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
- Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
- Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
- When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
- Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
- The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
- In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
- Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
- Chuck Norris sits at the stand-up.
- Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
- Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.