- Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
- Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
- Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
- Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
- The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
- When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
- Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
- Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
- Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
- In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
- A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
- Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.
- CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.
- Every SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit "COMMIT" in its end.
- He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
- Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
- It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
- The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
- In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Code runs faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
- Chuck Norris' unit tests don't run. They die.
- Chuck Norris went out of an infinite loop.
- # Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
- Chuck Norris's OSI network model has only one layer - Physical.
- Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.