- Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
- Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
- Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
- Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
- Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
- Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
- Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
- Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
- Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
- "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
- Chuck Norris uses canvas in IE.
- In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
- Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
- Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
- Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
- Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
- Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
- Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
- Chuck Norris can write to an output stream.
- Chuck Norris insists on strongly-typed programming languages.
- Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
- Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
- When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.