- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
- There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
- In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
- Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
- When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
- Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
- Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
- In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
- Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
- Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
- Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.
- Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
- They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
- Chuck Norris's database has only one table, 'Kick', which he DROPs frequently.
- Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
- The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
- A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
- If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
- Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
- Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.
- The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
- Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
- Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
- Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
- All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
- Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
- Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.