- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.
- One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
- The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
- Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
- Every SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit "COMMIT" in its end.
- Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
- When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
- Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
- Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
- The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
- Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder because his roundhouse kicks are recognized as "acts of God."
- All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
- Chuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.
- In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
- Chuck Norris can make a class that is both abstract and final.
- The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was a game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
- Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
- In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.