- Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
- Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.
- Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
- Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.
- Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
- Chuck Norris never has to build his program to machine code. Machines have learnt to interpret Chuck Norris code.
- "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
- Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
- Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
- Chuck Norris doesn't pair program.
- Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
- Chuck Norris's log statements are always at the FATAL level.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
- One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
- Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
- Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.