- With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
- Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
- Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
- MySpace actually isn't your space, it's Chuck's (he just lets you use it).
- The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
- Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
- Product Owners never argue with Chuck Norris after he demonstrates the DropKick feature.
- Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.
- Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
- You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
- Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
- Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
- Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
- Chuck Norris types with one finger. He points it at the keyboard and the keyboard does the rest.
- Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
- In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.