- Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
- Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
- If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.
- Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
- Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions and have them return.
- Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
- Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
- Product Owners never ask Chuck Norris for more features. They ask for mercy.
- When Chuck Norris break the build, you can't fix it, because there is not a single line of code left.
- When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
- Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
- Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
- One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
- Chuck Norris programs do not accept input.
- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
- When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
- Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
- Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.