- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.
- Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
- Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
- Chuck Norris' Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.
- The class object inherits from Chuck Norris
- Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
- Chuck Norris never has to build his program to machine code. Machines have learnt to interpret Chuck Norris code.
- Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
- The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
- Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
- On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck givet
- Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
- Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
- A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
- Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
- Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
- Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
- Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
- Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.
- The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
- Chuck Norris' programs never exit, they terminate.
- The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
- It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
- The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.