- He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
- Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
- Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
- Don't worry about tests, Chuck Norris's test cases cover your code too.
- Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.
- Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder because his roundhouse kicks are recognized as "acts of God."
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- There is in fact an 'I' in Norris, but there is no 'team'. Not even close.
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
- As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
- The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
- Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
- Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
- Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.
- A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
- If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.
- Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
- Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
- The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
- Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
- Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.