- Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
- How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
- When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
- Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
- In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
- Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
- There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
- The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
- Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
- Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
- Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied "That's no glitch."
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
- Chuck Norris insists on strongly-typed programming languages.
- The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
- In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need a debugger, he just stares down the bug until the code confesses.
- He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
- If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.