- Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
- Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.
- Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
- Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
- It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
- Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
- Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
- A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
- Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
- Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
- The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- Chuck Norris? favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
- Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
- Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
- Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
- Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes. He disembowels them.
- Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
- Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.