- Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
- Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
- When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.
- Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
- Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
- July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? I think not.
- 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
- Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
- The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
- Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
- Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- Chuck Norris can access private methods.
- Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.
- The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
- Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
- Chuck Norris sits at the stand-up.
- Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
- When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
- When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
- Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
- When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
- Chuck Norris' programs never exit, they terminate.
- CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.