- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
- Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
- Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
- Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
- Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
- Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.
- President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
- Chuck Norris' programs never exit, they terminate.
- Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
- Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
- Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
- In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
- Chuck Norris solved the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) time. Here's the pseudo-code: Break salesman into N pieces. Kick each piece to a different city.
- Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
- Chuck Norris could use anything in java.util.* to kill you, including the javadocs.
- When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
- Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.