- Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
- Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
- The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
- Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
- Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.
- Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
- In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
- Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
- Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
- When Chuck Norris break the build, you can't fix it, because there is not a single line of code left.
- There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
- Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
- Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.
- Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
- Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.
- Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
- The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
- Chuck Norris' unit tests don't run. They die.