- Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
- Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
- Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
- The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
- How many Chuck Norris require to screw a light bulb? None, he will screw it all.
- Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
- Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
- Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
- Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
- Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.
- Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?".
- If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
- Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.
- "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
- With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
- Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
- Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
- They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
- Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
- The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
- Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
- Chuck Norris can install a 64 bit OS on 32 bit machines.