- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
- Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
- According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
- On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
- All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
- Chuck Norris doesn't use Oracle, he is the Oracle.
- Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
- When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
- Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
- Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
- Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
- The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
- The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
- Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
- After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
- Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.