- Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
- In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
- It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
- Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
- Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
- When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
- Chuck Norris does not need to type-cast. The Chuck-Norris Compiler (CNC) sees through things. All way down. Always.
- Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
- Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
- Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
- Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
- Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
- A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
- Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
- Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
- Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
- Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
- Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
- There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris' keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
- In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.