- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
- Chuck Norris doesn't use GUI, he prefers COMMAND line.
- Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
- When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
- Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
- How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
- When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
- When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
- Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
- Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
- Chuck Norris does not need to type-cast. The Chuck-Norris Compiler (CNC) sees through things. All way down. Always.
- Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
- Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
- Chuck Norris's database has only one table, 'Kick', which he DROPs frequently.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
- Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
- Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
- Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
- With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.